The Elevators of Hell

Kudos to Unski for cool ideas.

THE ELEVATORS OF HELL

When the plane of Baator spontaneously sprouted three massive elevator shafts, no one quite knew what to say. After all, the endeavor to build such a thing would take centuries, not counting the impossible negotiations needed with every Lord of Hell, and then to organize it all would be simply too much for most devils to handle. Of course, the doors, being stamped with the symbol Asmodeus, canny fiends knew this was a change best left unresisted.

Each of the three elevator shafts is unique, and each shaft has room for an infinite number of elevators (though it will not seem like that!). Greybeards call the most important one Zuzimis, though devils usually just call it the first class elevator. It is always punctual, one arrives at each layer every 10 minutes. To use it, one needs permission from one of the Dukes of Hell. Commuters understand why, the interior is thickly decorated with Gothic furniture and architecture, wall-to-wall red carpeting, and masterful frescoes. The lucky devil is ushered to a throne-like seat by erinyes attendants where he is treated to coffee and chilled alcoholic beverages. Chained to the wall is a fortunate soul (compared to most of Hell's other souls) of a musician who is forced to play to the devil's content, usually something to soothe the devil's frayed nerves. Of course, if the musician is merely average, they can also make excellent snacks.

The only disadvantage of the Zuzimis elevator is that it is merciless. It follows a rigid schedule which it will not deviate. It is only open for three seconds. If you do not clear the doors in time, it will close on you. This is worse than it sounds: the doors are razor sharp and snaps like a guillotine.

Raca, or the second-class elevator, is a long step down from the first class. Any fiend can use it for a fee, and visitors in Hell can get a license to use it, though not easily. Raca goes out of it's way to inconvenience travelers. For one thing, it's alway crowded. Raca makes sure of this, even skipping layers to lose as few passengers as possible. Thus, it can take quite a while do get to your destination, but it usually takes less than an hour. This is because the company which runs Raca charges by the minute: it has no interest in making journeys quick, only easier. The music used in the elevator was is so bland and generic it is sometimes actually used as a torture device. There are no chairs. There are, however, plenty of advertisements on the video screen. Tempers really tend to flare in Raca, it doesn't help that there is a line to use it.

Finally, no one has ever come out of the 3rd class elevator, Haagenti, to talk about it. Rumors and speculation is wild: some say it is portal into the esophagus of some giant creature, some say the elevator is alive, and others still say that the original inhabitants of Baator kidnap everyone who uses it, or, from the most heinous of rumormongers, that it actually leads to Celestia! People who have seen it say that is almost inviting, as if it wanted to be used, always lingering open when people seem to want it most. Whenever the door opens to the elevator's mundane green interior, the onlookers are hushed. For now, the mysterious force inside Haagenti does not seem to be breaking out any time soon.

THE ELEVATOR OF THE ABYSS

Originally just an infinitely deep pit, various demon princes have augmented it with their own foul mechanisms. Like the elevators in the Nine Hells, the Abyssal shaft has room for an infinite number of elevators. The difference is that the Abyssal elevators are sentient.

The Abyssal elevator appears when it feels like, it never obeys anyone's schedules, or, for that matter, their best interests. Upon entering the elevator (which, suprisingly, looks rather dull), there are only three buttons to press: "1", "Infinite", and "Do Not Push".

Pressing "One" takes you to the Plane of Infinite Portals, hopefully. But it could be one of anything. One Lolth. One angry slaad. One Blood War battle ground. Whatever it is, there's going to be one of it, so must cutters press "one".

Pushing "Infinite" can really mean anything. Sometimes, the cutter will actually get to the place he wants to get. This isn't common. The most well-known function is that it will deposit the cutter in a completely random place somewhere in the Abyss. At worst, the elevator will detach and send them hurtling infinitely down the shaft, presumably until they starve...

No one has ever pushed "Do Not Push" to tell the tale. Some bashers say the button should be pressed, because you should do the opposite of whatever a fiend tells you. They also claim that the elevator will take you a place of unbridled luxury, treated to a harem full of Succubi slaves or other nonsense. These bashers have spent too long watching the Brainless-Box (the TV) to know what they are thinking.

If the elevator wishes, it can communicate with the passenger through a LED display above the exit. Usually, it says things like "Greetings", and "Have a Nice Day". Apparently, unlike the majority of the Abyss, the elevator has a sense of humor.