This is the first draft of my third take on this material. Its the first
time I actually managed to finish a draft of this material, so that looks
fairly promising.
I'm interested in criticism on the writing (I think it's kinda dry, myself),
and if you think this style is promising or if I should go back to the
drawing board for take four. I was going for brevity and non-historical,
since the Unbroken Circle is a historical allegory (I think that's what you'd
call it, at least). Its also not supposed to be particularly nice.
_______________________________________________
Gith's Codex of Swords (access Dex, Dex/Int)
The numbers in parenthesis represent the required ability scores
and Search check bonus to open each Stanza. True Gish levels may be
added as bonuses to any score for the purposes of opening Stanzas.
First Stanza (Search+2)
The People were created by the strength of the Sword.
In the beginning, the people were Nothing, the slaves of the Masters of Nothing.
The strength of the Sword was found by Gith.
By the Strength of the Sword, the nothing became the People.
Your strength must be the Strength of the Sword.
The Life of the People is the life of the Sword.
In the beginning, the people had no life. They were shattered by the whim of the Masters of No-Life.
Gith was whole, she lived the Life of the Sword.
The Life of the Sword became the life of the People.
Your life must be the Life of the Sword.
The Speech of the People is the speech of the Sword.
In the beginning, the people had no speech. They were the slaves of the Masters of Thought.
Gith learned the speech of the Sword. Her speech felled the Masters of Thought.
The Speech of the Sword became the Speech of the People.
You must speak the Speech of the Sword.
The Speech of the Sword is the speech of Deeds.
The Life of the Sword is the way of War.
The Strength of the Sword is the strength of One and Many.
Second Stanza (Search +4/Dex 14)
The Speech of the Sword is the speech of Deeds.
Those with no Speech speak much.
Their noise is the noise of slaves.
Their words are nothing.
Their words remain thought.
They fear deeds.
Those with Speech speak little.
Their silence is the silence of readiness.
Their words are the words of truth.
Their thoughts become deeds.
They fear nothing.
Third Stanza (Search +6/Dex/Int 16)
The Life of the Sword is the way of War.
The way of War is the way of truth.
The walkers of the way destroy the weak.
The walkers of the way become strong.
The walkers of the way fear nothing.
Those who are cowards have no life.
They seek to make the strength of the weak Their own.
They become weak, and make the weak strong.
They learn fear from the weak.
Fourth Stanza (Search +8/Dex/Int 18)
The Strength of the Sword is the strength of One and Many.
The People are Many, they follow the One.
The One gathers the People to her.
The People must be One with her will.
The People must be Loyal, the One knows the Truth.
The One makes the People Strong.
The Unloyal make the People weak.
The Strength of the People is One with her will.
The Unloyal have no Strength.
The Unloyal have no Life.
The Unloyal have no Speech.
The Strength of the One shall live the Life of War.
The Unloyal will fall.
The Weak will fall.
Fifth Stanza (Search +10/Dex/Int 20)
The Strength of the People is the strength of One.
The One is the Leader of the People.
The Words of the One are the Words of the People.
By the will of the One, the people have words.
All shall heed them.
The Lives of the People are the Lives of the One.
By the will of the One, the people have life.
All shall heed Her or die.
In the One, the People know strength.
Sixth Stanza (Search +8/Dex/Int/Cha 18)
The Strength of the Sword is the strength of One and Many.
The strength of One and Many is the Strength of Gith.
The strength of the Children of Gith is the strength without fear.
They shall know no defeat.
The strength of the Children of Gith is the strength is the death of the weak.
They shall know no peer.
The strength of the Children of Gith is the strength of deeds.
They shall know no hesitation.
The strength of the Children of Gith is the strength of words that are truth.
They shall know no disobediance.
The strength of the Children of Gith is the strength of readiness.
They shall know no suprise.
The strength of One is Courage.
The courageous fear no pain.
The courageous fear no hardship.
The courageous fear no words.
The strength of Many is Comradery.
The comrades are never divided, they speak as one.
The comrades are never ignorant, they think as one.
The comrades are relentless, they fight as one.
The comrades are united, they fear nothing.
Seventh Stanza (Search +10/Dex/Int/Cha/Wis 20)
The Sword is Unity.
In Unity of One is Life.
The one who knows Unity knows truth.
The one who knows Unity knows victory in war.
The one who knows Unity knows no fear.
In Unity of Many is Speech.
The many who know Unity know readiness.
The many who know Unity know the words of truth.
The many who know Unity know thought, word, and deed together as One.
In Unity of One and Many is Strength.
The One and Many shall never know death.
The One and Many shall never know failure.
The One and Many shall never know dought.
There is nothing in all the worlds that can stand against Unity.
I think the general idea is a good one, and you have a good start here.
For constructive criticism, I'd start with going back to the original description of the item.
[url]/rrakkma/node/]
If this represents teachings specific to gish, then it should focus on using both magic and combat abilities to defeat enemies. That what the gish are known for, and it would almost certainly be a central theme. What you have here is more of a general statement of some very basic and self-evident githyanki ideas.
I'd recommend focusing on one interesting and well-defined "lesson" per stanza. Right now, the "proverbs" are not particularly profound, and its sometimes not clear what the lesson or lessons of a stanza is/are. I'd say that at first glace, the lessons themselves probably need to be rethought. Remember, the githyanki are highly intelligent people who have had thousands of years to hone and codify their worldview. Simple statements like "the weak will fall" are probably one not worth recording as arcane knowledge. To make something like this truly memorable, you have to take it up a few notches. Tell us something we don't know about the githyanki. Make a few radical statements. Expose some of the obvious contradictions in the worldview of the githyanki, and then show us how the githyanki "forge" those contradictions as strengths, not weaknesses.
You use the metaphor of the sword, which is of course central to the concept. However, what you have written revolves around the general metaphor of an ordinary steel sword. The sword is universally seen as a general metaphor for individual strength and steadfast determination. Swords must be strong enough to hold an edge, but flexible enough to not shatter when used. The githyanki, however, have *very* unique swords. How do the properties of those special silver swords (fluid swords that shift weight as needed) result in unique philosophical metaphors for the githyanki? Does a githyanki gish "flow and shimmer" in combat to overcome his foe? Does he shift back and forth from the solidity of hand-to-hand combat to the fluildity of magic in order to deliver the unexpected death blow?
What lessons are to be learned from the githzerai not following the lessons revealed here? They would be the obvious candidate for examples of how to utterly fail in this arcane and sacred githyanki philosophy. The githyanki would certainly focus on what specific ideals have made the githyanki successful and the githzerai unsuccessful. Similarly, the illithids could be shown as fools for solely relying on psionics. Their inability to withstand physical attacks due to overspecialization is of course a valuable lesson for gish.
It is things like this that will make this document unique and meaningful to the githyanki. By adding this sort of flavor, you end up with poetry that contains practical and useful teachings, but also something which reinforces the idea that none but the githyanki could fully appreciate the finer points of this particular collection of arcane knowledge. Their unique history and worldview have led them to this very specialized collection of wisdom which is most deeply meaningful to them alone.
I think you have a great start here, and I would encourage you to keep at it. I'd recommend that you continue to dig into the githyanki published sources (Guide to the Astral Plane, Dungeon100/Dragon309, etc) to really get a "feel"for the finer points regarding the unique attitudes and worldview of the githyanki, and particularly the gish. The more you can encapsulate what makes the githyanki unique, the better this piece will be. Best of luck to you.