Amusing Things I Find

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Clueless's picture
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Webmonkey
Joined: 2008-06-30
Amusing Things I Find

while cleaning up the databases and converting data...

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Real Life (Humor)
Monstrous Outsider (Neutral)
Hit Dice: infinite
Initiative: infinite
Speed: Instant
AC: infinite
Attacks: varies
Damage: varies
Face/Reach: infinite
Special Attacks: Instant Intrusion
Special Qualities: Unavoidable Intrusion
Saves: N/A
Abilities: Str: -, Con: -, Dex: -, Int: -, Wis: -, Cha: -
Skills: N/A
Feats: N/A

Climate/Terrain: Any
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: varies
Treasure: N/A
Alignment: Neutral
Advancement: N/A

The Real Life creature can come in many forms and guises. Each varies in the effects it has on the PS enthusiast. One commonly encountered guise is that of the bill. This is usually a paper document that requires attention and will result in problems if not acted upon correctly. Another guise is work. This form can be highly dangerous as it is demanding and unforgiving. It takes much and gives little in return. If care is not taken, this guise will eventually dominate the PS enthusiasts attention to the exclusion of all other activities. There are many other guises, such as girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, responsibilities, children, parents, illness and disease etc. which are too many to list in this description.

Combat

Instant Intrusion (Ex): Real Life is to manifest itself in all known times and locations, including during PS sessions.
Unavoidable Intrusion (Ex): Some forms of this creature cannot be evaded and must be confronted.

Habitat/Society

Earth, the Galaxy, and the Universe. This creature is known to inhabit the Prime Material Plane in which the PS enthusiasts live. There have been no other reported instances, but planewalkers will be interviewed at a later date. One place in which this creature is not encountered is at certain times within the PS enthusiast's mind.

Ecology

Real Life simply is.
---------------------------------

Kaelyn's picture
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Namer
Joined: 2004-05-10
Amusing Things I Find

Was that anonymous?

Clueless's picture
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Webmonkey
Joined: 2008-06-30
Amusing Things I Find

I think so - I'm not sure - the data in the databases for critters wasn't very well organized, so we'll be going back and putting author credits in by hand. I just found this one funny. Smiling

Center of All's picture
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factotums
Joined: 2004-05-11
Amusing Things I Find

That's hilarious. Even better than the stats I saw for The Lady.

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Blitz's picture
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Namer
Joined: 2004-05-11
Amusing Things I Find

Watch out for the 3.5 version of Real Life in Codex... I'll need a nice piece of art work to go with it...

Blitz

sphagetti man's picture
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Namer
Joined: 2004-12-21
Amusing Things I Find

you culd use some bum on the street

Fidrikon's picture
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Factor
Joined: 2004-12-19
Amusing Things I Find

No, while being a picture of real life, and depressing (but if you're a Bleak Cabal, who cares?) its not really appropriate for the Real Life creature as it attacks PS players. A giant choas beast that spews bills, junk mail, and troublesome but important notices. Like a to-do list.

Nemui's picture
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factotums
Joined: 2004-08-30
Amusing Things I Find

"Fidrikon" wrote:
A giant chaos beast that spews bills, junk mail, and troublesome but important notices.

Discordian Mojo: Spam Shield

Times are changing. In centuries past, magic was used to ward oneself against demons, curses and plagues. Nowadays, demons are no longer as big a problem as they were (most of them left this reality after they realised they had pretty much become redundant, the rest persued a movie-career), but a new evil has arisen; Spam mail. Luckily, the Orange Potatoe Cabal has discovered an ancient (do you believe that?) ritual that wards against this monstrous threat.

Please note that using this ritual to ward yourself against abnormail will prove ineffective, and might even increase the amount of nonsense you receive.

(...)

This ritual is most effective when performed at night, preferably during a new (or at least clouded) moon. Place the orange candles to the sides of the pentagon, and light them, softly chanting the following invocation:

"Gee, it's bloody dark in here. Better light the candles".

If you have sofar followed the instructions above, you'll probably have tried to draw a pentagon in total darkness, most likely messing it up big time. Once both candles are lit, try again.
(...)
To properly cleanse the effigy, grasp it firmly in one hand, raise your other hand to the skies, and -while shaking the effigy violently- speak the following words of power:

"GET OUT, YOU BASTARDS!"

You should feel the Anerestic vibes fleeing the room. If you perform the ritual at the dead of night as recommended, you may experience thumping sounds coming from the walls, often accompanied by ghostly cries of "Shut the hell up!" or "Do you know what time it is?". These effects, while somewhat unsettling, are innocent side-effects caused by the immense power of this ritual, and can be safely ignored.
(...)
Stand up, facing the pentagon, and raise your arms to the sky. Loudly proclaim the following:

(...)

Spam beside me, bulkmail below me;
The forces of darkness conspire against me!
Primal Chaos, shield my inbox;
Let my harddrive be free of spam!

Be gone, oh Demon of the Free Trial Period;
For I have no need of your poisoned gifts!
Be gone, oh Devil of the One Time Offer!
For I have seen thine face before!
Be gone, oh Vile Spirit of Chainletters!
For I know that Little Sarah does not exist!

May your computers spout nonsense,
May your mailinglists fade away!
May wholey Chaos find you and spice up your life!
Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!

Blow out the candles. The ritual is finished. Afterwards, you might feel slightly exausted; this is probably due to the tremendous powers that you have just channeled. You should go to bed, but if you'd like to watch some TV or something, that's fine too.

LINK

Planescape, Dungeons & Dragons, their logos, Wizards of the Coast, and the Wizards of the Coast logo are ©2008, Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro Inc. and used with permission.