Abyssal Turkey

“By Crikey mate, watch out for the bloody big bloke of a turkey! Ain’t that a bute! Oh dear! Sir David’s gone and bought it!” – Sir David Atthreeburough and Steve Humwin on their only expedition hunting turkeys on the abyss

This huge, “flightless bird” looks like an over grown turkey, hence the name. Powerful legs, and a long neck and head are covered with red and black mottled skin. The rest of the bird, including its short, stubby wings, has a coating of short red and black feathers. It has a large fan shaped tail, which has feathers tipped in white. Its beak is a menacing curve with a sick yellow colour. Its eyes have a piercing red glow.

Abyssal Turkeys are! No one knows if they lay eggs or birth young. It is believed they are omnivores, and as such may feed on victims they have slain. Cannibalism amongst their own kind may also be possible. It has been rumoured that the creatures share common ancestry with Vrock. There are three reasons for this. 1). The turkeys or not avian or turkeys at all. They are true outsiders. 2). A common insult hurled at Vrock on many a Blood War battlefield is “You don’t scare me, you pygmy Abyssal Turkey!” 3). I said so!

Abyssal Turkeys will only enter into combat when they are defending themselves or, as is typical, when they are startled. Abyssal Turkeys are very jumpy and nervous creatures, especially around the Feast of the First Battle (see below) and bow hunting season (which is all the time!). At the beginning of an encounter, they must make a DC 30 Will save or be startled. If the creature is startled, its initial encounter attitude becomes hostile and it will proceed to attack. When this happens, they are vicious almost beyond believe. They will first use their stunning gobble to immobilize the foe. If encountered in a flock, only one creature will make the noise at a time. Then they will carve up the defenceless “victim” with their beak and claws, leaving just a bloody, messy pulp (that can be used as a meaty stuffing!). You never want to upset one of these “jive turkeys”!

Limited Flight (Ex): An Abyssal Turkey can fly only for 1 round. Thereafter, it must stand on the ground for 1d4 rounds before recovering the ability to fly.

Stunning Gobble-Gobble (Su): Once per hour an Abyssal Turkey can emit a piercing, screeching gobble-gobble sound. All creatures except other turkeys within a 30 ft. radius must succeed on a DC 20 Fortitude save or be stunned for 1d6 rounds and deafened for 1d4 hours. The Save DC is Constitution based.

Vulnerability (Ex): Anyone with 5 ranks in Profession (cook) and Knowledge (planes) skills can automatically bypass its damage reduction and its fire resistance. Spells specifically designed for food use gains +4 bonus to overcome its spell resistance.

Skills: Abyssal Turkeys have a +8 racial bonus on Listen and Spot checks.

Living free in almost any forest or woodland area on any layer of the Abyss, Abyssal Turkeys are fairly easy to find if you ever want to look. These stupid creatures usually hang around in flocks of 2-8. They try to hide in the undergrowth, if any, but their immense size usually makes that difficult. There are three other places to find these creatures. First, some brave or moronic Tanar’ri plant clumps of trees close, or sometimes inside their strongholds and foster small colonies to act as very loud and dangerous early warning systems. Second, traders and hunters may have dead or alive creatures for sale. The live ones usually have their beaks and talons strongly tied!  And the third place is as the centre dish at Feast of First Battle celebrations, stuffed, roasted, and served with sides of Carcerian cranberries, mashed Pluton potatoes, and some type of blood wine. Solitary turkeys are usually ones that have escaped from a trader, or from a Feast!!!

The exact origin of this celebration of the Blood War is not known, but it was certainly started somewhere in a Baatezu battle camp. The tradition is that the Feast is held after the first engagement in combat is completed by a Baatezu unit. The commander of the unit will order cooks (or chefs if available) to make elaborate dishes out of the remains of fallen friends and foe alike. If the commander wants to make “that extra special” effort, they have three choices. First is having Abyssal Turkey with the trimmings. To prepare a turkey, pluck all the feathers from the creature, marinade in the blood of the enemies for 13 days, and then cook in a turkey oven at 375 degrees F for 20 minutes per pound.  Abyssal Turkeys typically range in from 2000 to 4000 lbs or more. This means that for a 2000 pounder, it must cook for 666 hours. To do this, special 20 to 30 foot spherical turkey ovens are usually constructed around the creatures. The ovens are made of steel, clay, or for “that extra, extra special” touch, Red Dragon bones. The ovens are then heated by suspending them over a suitable and reliable heat source (lava pits are wonderful for this). If the turkey is under cooked, under heated, or not marinated correctly, the flesh is deadly poisonous to most beings. When cooking is complete, only 1% of the original weight is edible. So, that 2000 pounder becomes a descent 20 lbs of meat. It is said that Abyssal Turkey when cooked in this way tastes like Cranium Rat.  But then again, it is also said that Cranium Rat tastes like Abyssal Turkey! One final thing about cooking the turkey in the right way. It must be alive when placed in the oven, without its beak or talons bound! Turkeys rot the moment they are killed, and the only way to prevent this is applying the heat.

The second choice is much more boring. This involves tearing the souls and hearts from prisoners captured in the First Battle, and devouring both right in front of those poor, unfortunate soulless victims.

The third can be dangerous for the commander if they are caught doing this. First, they order their cooks to substitute Cranium Rats for the Abyssal Turkeys…  And then, the souls and hearts of the cooks are devoured to clean up any evidence of the deceit…

The Feast of First Battle has become so popular over the years, the Yugoloths have adopted it for their own use, and even the Tanar’ri now celebrate it, even though it celebrates their own loss.  Well, you can never predict chaos!

Editor: You can also learn how to cook an Abyssal Turkey here!

Authored and Edited by David HaslamFurther Edit by SeraphArt: Turkey photo by Claude Steelman, nalfeshnee demon taken fro Monster Manual 1 (v3.5), p.45.