A Wedding in Sigil: Part 6

Part 6: In which we finally have a wedding... Of sorts."Jeremiah?""Amelia! Where are you going?""Downstairs! We have to check on-""Nevermind that, come here. I need you to help me with magical surgery on a shotgun.""...what?""Just get over here!""I am Shiskooma, blade-master. Prepare-""Shaddap!" Theodore's hammer-of-light exploded in a frightful flare of luminescence, casting a pearl glow across the room. He brought it down atop of the fifth baatezu's head, who deflected it with two of his many - six in all - sword-wielding arms. Grunting and stumbling back, Theodore barely avoided getting gutted upon four more rapidly sweeping blade-strokes that fell upon him in an eager barrage of flashing enchanted steel.As Brimsnout stepped past the warring warriors, he came face to face with the sixth - and last - baatezu. This one was standing between himself and the stairway that lead down to his schnookiepoo - and as anyone could tell you, that was the last place any sane sod would want to be."Hello," The baatezu metallically rasped. He was little more than a thick stout suit of accumulated plates, scales, shields, and other various objects meant to protect.GOODBYE.Brimsnout's fist met the grated steel of the baatezu's mask head-on - and made a pretty clanging sound as it bounced harmlessly off. For a moment, Brimsnout hefted his bruised fist up to peer at it perplexedly - as if marveling over whether or not it was malfunctioning."Sorry, but you can't hurt me. Not with that primitive thing, anyway," The baatezu politely explained. "I've absorbed just about every object with some protective value in the box. Makes me pretty invulnerable, you know?""Now this is a bloody party! Stand still so I can bash you!" Theodore huffed, ducking beneath another slashing assault of flashing blades before raising his hammer to block another one with a resounding crash. Sparks flew and scorched both earth and flesh."Don't you take a hint?" Cordelia snarled."What can I ssay...?" Morticus hissed, grinning. "I'm too sstubborn to die."The Maggot-King had grown. Somehow, his head had managed to reattach itself to his body, but his body was no longer the oil-slick suit-wearing human from before - but now an oil-slick maggot, towering at over 15 feet in length. It undulated with a grotesque pulse, and its head - Morticus, now a grotesque pale white with an over-sized mouth filled with broken teeth that dripped with green acidic ichor - watched Cordelia with barely contained glee.Cordelia reached for the sword, but her hands were too burnt to get a good grip on it. With a grimace of pain, she reluctantly left it behind. No matter - she'd tear him apart with her bare hands. "Nobody messes with my head, you over-fattened...""Oh, pleasse," Morticus snickered, slithering forward with a sickening slurp. Transluscent slime was left in his wake, sizzling and eating away at the solid stone. "Mere conjurers and charmerss manipulate. I de-sseive! It iss a delicate art, and I'd-umph!"Cordelia's fist buried itself a foot deep into the center of where she imagined Morticus' stomach was, and was rewarded by an upwelling of even more green ichor. It dripped over her wrist and arm, bathing it in that wretched slime - and immediately she yelped in pain, stumbling back as she felt it eating away at her skin. Morticus chortled, the wound all ready sealing up."Oh, that'ss clever, girl. Punch the a-ssidic monsster with your fisst. Why didn't I think of that?" And then he pounced, coiling himself around her and twining that sleek, horrible form over her. "I'm going to eat you bit by bit, and ssavor every bite."Morticus' next hiss was interrupted by his sudden shriek of surprised pain as a flaring white light washed over him, blackened and charred flesh stretching across his flank and spreading in a smoldering wound. Retreating back from Cordelia, he snarled and drew back into the darkness as Jacob stepped forward, sword in one hand and a holy symbol in the other."Maggots. I should have figured," Jacob mumbled, dropping to his knees besides Cordelia. Putting the holy symbol aside, he quickly pressed his hands to the injured woman's neck, feeling the warmth wash through him and flow into hers. Almost instantly, her wounds were closing - a blue glow shimmering over her. "Are you all right, Cordelia?""Fine," She gasped, blinking and stirring. Her wedding dress was absolutely ruined - burned and charred with acidic maggot goo. "Morticus, he-""Right here, my prettiess," Morticus cheerfully hissed, his tail snapping out to smack aside the holy symbol. A moment later, his head was lashing out and catching Jacob by the side, ravaging teeth digging into the paladin's flesh as his burning saliva ate away at the meat of his flank."Son of a..." Jacob managed to gasp out before he was thrown to the far side of the room, landing with a crash. All ready moving to heal his wounds, he glared up at Morticus as the Maggot-King loomed above them both, grinning."Don't you two love-birdss worry one bit," He smiled sweetly. "Once I'm finished sswallowing you up, I'll sswallow that priesst too, and you can have a wedding in my belly. Won't that be ssweet?""You've got to be kidding," Cordelia growled, standing."Will this really work?""I'm almost positive that it just might.""What are we doing, anyway?""Shhh. Put another enchantment on the left barrel.""Yes, Teacher.""Bloody bugger! Stop parrying!" More sparks, more flashes of white. Now Theodore was gritting his teeth, a fresh cut on his forehead spilling blood down into his left eye. His wounds were nothing to worry over; he'd heal them later, anyway. But the baatezu with the swords was proving to be a problem.The fifth baatezu was a whirling dervish of steel, and every strike the paladin got in between those slashing blades was either parried or dodged. The six-armed swordsman seemed tireless, only watching the paladin with a calculated air of consideration behind his blurring wall of slicing-and-dicing blades. And Brimsnout wasn't faring much better."You know..." CLANG. "...this isn't..." CLANG. "...really..." CLANG. "...getting you..." CLANG. "...anywhere," The sixth baatezu sighed. "Maybe we should all sit down and have a cup of tea."Brimsnout - who, for the first time in his long and vile life, had discovered something his fists couldn't smash - took a momentary breather from his relentless (and futile) thrashing of the unmoving suit of squat armor. It was then that he noticed Theodore's perplexing predicament, and a most nefarious idea suddenly occurred to him.YOU ARE QUITE A STOUT FELLOW, WRETCHED BAATEZU."Well, yes. I'd like to think so."I BET YOU WOULD MAKE QUITE THE FANCY CLUB."Well, I'm not so su- uhp!" The baatezu suddenly found himself hefted up into the arms of a towering tanar'ri, wielded as a makeshift club. "Err, pardon me, but I really think...""BLOODY BASTARD!" Theodore cursed, stepping back as another slash caught him just along the edge of his shoulder. He was being backed into a corner by the constant whirlwind of flashing, zig-zagging edges. "I'm going to- Hey, what's that?""Like I'm falling for that one," The baatezu grinned, right before his compatriot was smashed down atop of his head with a loud, obnoxious crunch."Warned you," Theodore huffed.When fully armed and prepped for battle, both Cordelia Brimsnout and Jacob Grace were formidable opponents.However, when caught unarmed - unprepared - and all ready wounded - they were easy prey for the otherwise cowardly Morticus."I'm going to ssavor every bite," Morticus sighed as he slithered out towards Cordelia. "Every nibble!""You're going to savor me plucking your eyes out of your rancid skull, you mean," Cordelia growled before flinging herself forward to pounce.Morticus' tail snapped out like a cracking whip, catching Cordelia in the stomach and sending her backwards. Moments later, he was shrieking out a hiss as Jacob's sword split open a wicked burning cut along his flank - a cut that healed almost instantly."I heal too fasst for even your paltry blessed steel," Morticus grinned, spitting out a wad of searing acid at Jacob's chest.Jacob screamed, stepped back, and quickly moved to heal himself again - the wound was grievous and unless immediately addressed would continue to eat away at his flesh and bone. Cordelia took up the attack once again, her foot spinning upwards to crack against Morticus' jaw and send the monster's head flinging upwards with a loud thwack."Ridiculouss little girl," Morticus snarled, slamming his jaw down to crack against Cordelia's head. She bobbed to the side, unleashed a barrage of quick, surgical blows to his exposed flank, then bounced backwards with both burnt hands at the ready.Jacob readied his sword, stepping to her side.Somehow, the last baatezu had wriggled free of Brimsnout's grip.Now, both warriors unleashed a barrage of attacks against their insurmountable foe. Brimsnout's fists and Theodore's hammer cracked and clanged steadily against the unmoving wall of bristling enchantments, the seemingly invulnerable devil only occasionally pausing to swing a mailed fist to send one of them reeling back."You know, you really can't beat me like this," The baatezu politely explained. "You can't even hurt me, and I certainly can hurt you. It would take a lot more firepower to even put a dent in me.""Mr. Brimsnout? Theodore? Be kind and step aside for a moment," Amelia requested, stepping through the door that lead back out into the lobby."Eh?" Theodore glanced back, stepping aside. Brimsnout followed suit."Much better," The baatezu cheerfully exclaimed. "Now, why don't we all sit down like sociable chaps and have a bit of a talk about this.""Let's not."The thundering explosion from the barrel of Closure was enough to rupture the ear-drums of anyone nearby - and the fresh array of runes and enchantments that ran across its barrels in a collage of glowing formulas and flickering symbols only made it all the more dreadful. There was an awful, head-splitting noise, followed by the biggest CLANG anyone present had ever heard before.And then the sixth Baatezu blinked, staring at the gaping hole in his chest."...That was a very nice shot, but I'm afraid it didn't quite do. Don't suppose you can repeat that, can you?" He asked, his voice unable to hide his glib smugness.Then came a sound infinitely more terrifying than the last - a sound that was enough to make even a baatezu shiver with fear.It was the soft and gentle click of Closure's next barrel rotating into place.Jeremiah shrugged. "Well, if you insist."Defeating Morticus was proving to be quite the problem. Every wound they struck spat out vitriolic acid, and almost immediately healed. And on top of this, the only weapon they had between themselves was a magic sword that only Jacob could use."Cordelia, go upstairs and get help," Jacob began, taking a step back."You go get help," Cordelia instantly responded."I can heal myself. I'll last longer."Trying to find some flaw in Jacob's logic, the tiefling scrunched her nose, frowned, and turned to bolt up the stairs. She almost immediately slammed face-first into the broad chest of Brimsnout."Daddy?"HELLO, SCHNOOKIEPOO. I SMELL BAATEZU."Over here!" Jacob called, just as Morticus missed with a lunge brimming with jagged teeth. "He's some sort of maggot... thing!""Maggot-KING!" Morticus squealed, before staring wide-eyed at the sudden presence of the towering Brimsnout - flanked by Amelia, Theodore, and Sarah.Maggots are not known for being particularly loyal or courageous. Morticus was no exception.But then, just as all seemed lost, his eyes caught sight of a gleam right at the feet of Brimsnout. The jewel!In a last ditch effort to reclaim what he saw as his due right, the Maggot-King lunged forward with his jaws open, seeking to snap up the jewel into his mouth and swallow it whole.And just as he did, Brimsnout's foot landed right atop of his skull with a wet, disgusting squish."Err, I think he's got another one," Theodore hesitantly pointed out. Indeed, Morticus seemed to be sprouting a second head - this one at the far end of his form.HE OBSTINATEDLY REFUSES TO DIE. EXCELLENT. I SHALL MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTER HIM A MULTITUDE OF TIMES BEFORE TOSSING HIS BROKEN BODY INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE."I thought that was just a myth," Theodore mumbled.Morticus' new face sprouted nothing but a razor-toothed mouth, his twisting and squirming tongue seeking to form words."He's trying to say something," Amelia pointed out.PERHAPS HE SEEKS TO BEG FOR A SWIFT, MERCIFUL DEATH."KILL HIM NOW!" Jeremiah shrieked.The mouth's tongue suddenly solidified. "No one move an inch," Morticus whispered. "You're all paralyzed."7 sets of eyes froze with shock as 14 arms and 14 legs were suddenly incapable of moving."Lovely!" Morticus exclaimed, slithering up to his feet as his new head sprouted a set of eyes and a nose, before twisting into a merciless grin. "Absolutely delightful. The ring works perfectly. Now I can eat you all at my leisure.""Unnnnnh..."The moan came from the back of the room, where a new occupant had just arrived. Moloch looked as ghastly as ever - the festive clothes the brownies had dressed him in only made his face seem all the more pale. As he stared up blankly at Morticus, the Maggot-King hissed with displeasure."Oh, wonderful. Another one. Stand still."Moloch did not cooperate. The bleaker glanced over to Jeremiah, slowly stepped forward, and began tugging at the man's robes. A moment later, he tugged at the odd looking three-rodded device in his arms."I said stand still!" Morticus hissed.Hefting the device upwards, Moloch peered at it perplexedly for a moment, before looking back up to Morticus."What are you, deaf?!" Morticus shrilly shrieked."I'm sorry," Moloch responded, quirking his head. "I can't hear a word you're saying. I've got cotton-balls stuffed in my ears, you see." And then he leveled Closure straight at Morticus' torso.The Maggot-King blinked, growled, and then lunged forward. Moloch pulled the trigger.There was only one shot left in the gun. Some readers may conclude that 'one' is a very small number and not at all important. However, more mathematically inclined readers may point out that 'one' is exactly one more than zero, and that difference can be critical.And in this case, that difference can be fatal.BOOM."I've been tracking him for some time. We all have - the Harmonium - starting with the day we became of his activities in Arcadia.""Arcadia? Him? That seems a little extreme.""We thought so too. Apparently there's some cult there he's been working with. We're still investigating it.""Very lucky you showed up when you did.""Yes. Very.""Very suspicious, too," Jeremiah noted, eyeing Moloch with a suspicious stare."What can I say? The Harmonium works in mysterious ways," Moloch shrugged.The mess was cleaned up, fresh sherry was served, and the guests were informed that nothing terrible or strange at all happened. And in truth, it hadn't - this was Sigil. Maggot-Kings trying to disrupt a wedding for their own maligned purposes was child's play, really.The ring was found amidst the gooey remains of Morticus. It had survived - as did Cordelia and Jacob. They finally stood before the altar, and finally took their vows - finally - before kissing.It was an otherwise uneventful wedding. Jeremiah got drunk and nearly burned down the building while showing some of the younger folks his 'burning hands' trick, Draken emptied the cathedral's entire stock of sherry, and Brimsnout and Theodore finally found common ground - their universal love for 'smashing things'.The only other highlight worth mentioning was the cake."This cake tastes very peculiar," Amelia noted."Yes, very," Sarah readily agreed. "But somehow familiar.""Eet eez new recipe," Dugalle assured them both. "Baator surprize. Perfec-zeeon!"fin