A Wedding in Sigil: Part 2

"Explain this to me again."

It is very simple."Oh yes, very simple. Easy peezy," The baatezu with the oil-slick suit grinned. "I just waltz in to a building filled with some of the most sharp cutters around, snatch an immensely powerful artifact right under their noses, then waltz out. Like one-two-three, a-b-c."An eye squeezed out from the crack in the alley's wall. I will help you, it whispered. It always whispered."Of course you will. You'll help fit me for a coffin, right? Maybe bring some flowers to my grave." The baatezu resisted the urge to poke at the eye with his finger. He knew it was useless - there wasn't anything there. Anyone else who happened to peer down in the alley would simply see a handsome man talking to an empty wall.There are ways to be subtle, Maggot-King. You know this."Don't call me that," The baatezu snapped angrily.Is that not your title?"Shut up and tell me what you have in mind."The eye quivered, and was soon joined by another sprouting out below it. The two organs gave a nauseating quiver, undulating as they stared up at the baatezu. Do what you do best, baatezu. Twist them with your lies, break them with your duplicities. Leave them thirsty for the smallest drop of truth.The baatezu self-consciously preened. "I might be able to pull it off, but it will cost you. More than my usual rate."I am offering you triple."I might need some back-up. Something big, in case they catch on... Something to make a distraction so I can slip out."I can provide this.The baatezu twirled the invitation between his deft fingers. "I think," Morticus smiled, "We might just have a deal."

"So when you gonna eat him?""Excuse me?" Cordelia asked incredulously, glancing back over her shoulder.Vinik - Vinnie, to his friends - was a short stumpy tanar'ri who was as wide as he was tall. He had a grin that split his head in half - literally - and was lined with hundreds of small needle-like teeth. As he slipped up behind the tiefling, he showed her that very same grin, nearly losing the top of his skull in the process. "The pally. What's-his-face. Grace. You plannin' to eat him during the wedding night, right?""No," Cordelia snapped, before adding thoughtfully: "At least, not in the way you're thinking."Vinnie blanched visibly, before hopping up on the desk besides Cordelia. The tiefling was trying on her wedding dress, posing in front of a mirror - it was sewn of an elegant white fabric, spider-webbing across her shoulders and contrasting vividly with her bronzed skin. While she turned to the side, Vinnie reached forward to snatch a creeping spider on it's web, holding the dangling arachnid above his mouth. "Don't be silly, girl. 'Course you're gonna eat him. It's what we do.""I'm not killing him," Cordelia frowned, her hand darting out to catch the spider just as Vinnie opened his mouth hungrily. She gracefully deposited it upon a nearby dresser, unharmed. Grateful for its reprieve, it skittered off."Why not?" Vinnie asked, eyeing the snack as it escaped."Because, Uncle, I..."

"...love her," Jacob explained with exasperation to the aggravating presence of his father.That massive handle-bar mustache twitched. "Love her? Love her? M'boy, I don't think you quite understand exactly what we're dealing with here. She's a tanar'ri!""Half," Jacob responded. "Hand me that sword?"Sputtering, Theodore reached for the ceremonial sword and hilt, palming it off to Jacob as he tightened his collar in front of the mirror. "Half is bad enough! Tieflings are... They're... They're just bloody untrustworthy, that's what! Where is she, anyway?! Probably ran off to-""She snuck back into her room, dad," Jacob explained, carefully snapping the sword into place along his belt. "She said she wanted to put on the wedding dress, last time I saw her.""Probably sharpening her knives, that's what!" Theodore snapped. "You mark my words, boy - you keep one hand on your sword-hilt during the wedding night! She'll tear your heart out and feed it to a pack of fiends, she will!""Dad, you're being over-dramatic.""Over-dramatic?! You're a paladin, boy! Paladins don't fraternize with the enemy! Tanar'ri..."

"...eat his kind," Vinnie sniffed. "Besides, you really think he loves you back? How could he? He's a Paladin. You can't trust them. They're all the same, all 'let's smite those demons over there!' and 'let's right those wrongs over here!'. Take it from someone who's got the scars to prove it.""He's not like that. Well, definitely the latter," Cordelia added. "Tighten that lace behind my back, won't you?" Vinnie slipped off the dresser and quickly obliged. "But he's not a fighter. He's actually quite the diplomat, when he- nngh, too tight, Uncle Vinnie!"Vinnie growled, loosening the laces. "You must be gettin' soft, Cordie. Back in the day, you would never have thought of marryin' a paladin.""That was before I met him. Uncle Vinnie, if you got to know him, I'm sure..."

"...you'd absolutely adore this girl," Jacob explained, putting the finishing touches on the front of his suit. "She's... She's just incredible.""I'm sure she is," Theodore clucked his tongue disapprovingly.Jacob turned away from the mirror, suddenly fishing into his pocket. He drew out a small, ornate box - carved of pine-wood. "I want to get your opinion on something, dad."Theodore sighed. "Yes?""What do you think?" Jacob opened the box. Inside was a golden ring cradled in padding. At the center of the ring was a purple transluscent stone - almost as big as a thumb-tip. When closely watched, the stone gave a slow, steady pulse.Theodore whistled. "Bugger's bigger than my head."Jacob blushed. "I found it in the dungeon where we first met. When we were up against that mage... What's his name. Sinis... Sanis... Sinistratus.""What's with wizards and their bloody names?""No clue. Anyway, we were both after him... For different reasons. He was using a plague to turn people into zombies. And she was after him because he had some sort of magic item her father was after. Anyway, we fought... Uh, we fought over this thing. I thought it was the source of his power and needed to be kept locked away, and she wanted it so her dad could use it.""And you ended up getting it, eh?" Theodore couldn't help but grin, giving Jacob a nudge with his elbow.Jacob's blush intensified. "Well, she didn't expect me to, uh... Well, yes." He quickly closed the box with a snap, stuffing it back in his pocket. "I thought... I mean, she had been so desperate to get it back then, and she even asked about it when we met later, under better terms... I never gave it to her because I always was suspicious of her intentions, and-""You still should be," Theodore frowned."I trust her, dad. I wish you'd trust me."Theodore sighed. "Well, boy, if there's nothing I can say to dissuade you, I guess..."

"...all I can do is wish you well," Vinik finished, turning to leave."Thank you, Uncle Vinnie." Cordelia smiled to herself, spinning around in a slow circle."Oh, hey, Brimsnout," Vinnie grunted as he opened the door. "Cordie's right in there."THANK YOU, WRETCHED ONE."Daddy?" Cordelia instantly twirled about to face the towering figure of her entering father, her smile widening.YOU LOOK AS ALLURING AS A SUCCUBUS BATHING IN THE FOUL BLOOD OF HER WRETCHED SUITORS.Despite herself, Cordelia blushed. "You're just flattering me."NO, SCHNOOKIE-POO. I WOULD NEVER SEEK TO DECEIVE THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS UNLESS IT WAS TO DESTROY MY ENEMIES. YOU LOOK AS RAVISHING AS YOUR MOTHER."Thank you, dad. Did you speak to Jacob?"YES. HE WOULD BE A CONSIDERABLE OPPONENT, WERE WE TO MEET UPON THE FIELD OF BATTLE. ALAS, YOUR MARRIAGE SHALL SERVE AS A TENEBRUOUS ALLIANCE BETWEEN OUR FAMILIES. I AM FILLED WITH REGRET THAT I WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE A DAY WHEN HE AND HIS LOVED ONES ARE CRUSHED BEFORE ME."I'm sure you'll get over it, dad," Cordelia grinned.PERHAPS. TELL ME, SCHNOOKIE-POO. DO YOU LOVE THIS MAN?Cordelia paused, biting down on her lower lip. She nodded.VERY WELL. ALTHOUGH MY BLESSING IS UNNECESSARY FOR YOU TO COMMENSE WITH THIS UNHOLY MATRIMONY, KNOW THAT IT IS GIVEN. AND FURTHERMORE, KNOW THAT IF HE BRINGS YOU UNHAPPINESS, THEY WILL SING SONGS IN DEDICATION TO THE AGONY AND ANGUISH I SHALL INFLICT UPON HIM."Thank you, daddy," Cordelia grinned, running forward to hug her father and press her face to his chest. "You're the best."

Traditionally, when selecting bridesmaids and their dresses, care is taken so that neither eclipse the bride-to-be. This process is complicated when all of the bridesmaids are either voluptuous succubi or elegant aasimar."Boys," Charlie puffed, "Step back and take notes."The group of aasimar bridesmaids all blinked in unison as a shambling one-eyed corpse in a pin-stripe suit suddenly appeared between them."Now, I know what you ladies are thinkin'," Charlie began, puffing out a column of smoke from his nose and his unused eye socket. "How'd a prime piece o' meat like me manage up writ in the dead-book? Well, lemme tell you, it's a long and tragic story involvin' betrayal, hope, and love etern-YAAAUGH!"One of the more enterprising aasimar girls had pulled out the medieval equivalent of mace - a perfume spritzer filled with holy water - and given the corpse a liberal spray. Clutching at his burning face, Charlie stumbled back into his companions with a series of curses."Frigid bitches!" Charlie spat, tearing off his melting nose in a single ragged strip and throwing it aside. "Don't know a real man when they see one!""Do you need Closure, Charlie?" Pug - the orc with the broken neck - grunted piggishly."Let's get Closure, get Closure," Jimmy two-times - the skeleton with the feathered top-hat - chimed in with a squeaky voice."Bar that, boys." Charlie reclaimed what little dignity he had with a shrug of his shoulders. "This is a distinguished party. Ain't no need for Closure."

The pursuit of perfection was no trifling matter. Dugalle knew this.Everything had to be perfect. Measurement and timing was key. Always measurement and timing.The right amount of flower. Just a dash of sugar, a sprinkling of salt. A brush-stroke of vanilla. A bare feathering of heat."Non. Unacceptable!" Dugalle shrieked, hurling the unfinished cake dough into the waste basket. "Imperfect!" He snarled towards his mephit helpers, who immediately scattered before the furious rage of the horned tiefling chef. "This cake... It must be... Perfec-zeeon!"There was a loud rapping at the door."Dammit, man! The wedding's on in half an hour! We need the cake!" Phyllis' loud, rumbling voice complained from the other side."Phillistine," Dugalle growled. "Zee cake shall be ready when I say it eez! It eez not ready, so you better delay zee wedding!""You barmy sod! Unlock this door, right now!""Pike off! Do not interfere with zee pursuit of perfec-zeeon!" Dugalle shrilly roared, before stomping on the head of a mephit. It popped with a small squeak. No matter - there were plenty more where that came from.

"Name, please.""Morticus."Bartleby lifted his eyes up from the desk to peer at the handsome smiling gentleman standing before him. He was dressed in a suit so white it was nauseating, and his smile had something so saccharine, so sweet that it made Bartleby's stomach curdle."I don't see any Morticus on this list.""Check again," Morticus explained, and this time his voice was nearly invasive, like some terrible serpent slithering into Bartleby's ears. He slinked forward with the grace of a snake, long and terrible fingers reaching forward to tap at Bartleby's checklist. "Surely," He purred, "I must be on there somewhere."The desk-clerk twitched, his eyes spasming. "I... yes... I'm... sure you are," He croaked numbly, unsure of what he was saying. He wasn't even looking at the list any more - just staring at that smiling, handsome face, eyes glazed and listless. "...go... right... in.""Thank you, my good man. And while you're up here, why don't you look over these for me, hm...?" Morticus reached forward, sprinkling several small charred seeds atop of the desk. Each was no larger than an acorn. "Put them with the weapons, won't you?""Of... course..." Bartleby muttered, reaching to pluck them up and put them away. They felt curiously warm in his palm.Whistling a drab, cheerless tune, Morticus the baatezu slipped into the church.