From a distance, Cordelia Brimsnout looked like a perfectly normal attractive young girl.Up close, she was anything but - her bronzed skin had the sleek textureof snake scales and her fingertips ended in wickedly curved claws. Ontop of this, her eyes were a frightful, piercing orange, and she always smelled just slightly of brimstone.Exactly why Jacob found this so attractive had been a matter of debate between the two ever since they had first started dating.Exactly why she found him attractive - a brooding, overlyself-conscious paladin who had to wear spectacles to see his hand infront of his face and believed in pursuing nonviolent solutions in anygiven encounter (but always brought a sword, just in case) - was evenmore mystifying.Regardless of how or why, they were. Which brings us back to the matter of their wedding."They want me to wear white," Cordelia pouted.Jacob roared, span around, and nearly ended up decapitating Cordeliawith the fireplace poker. She couldn't blame him, though - he was alittle on edge ever since the engagement, and she did just sneak up on him while he was alone.Luckily for both of them, the tiefling was faster and managed to easilyduck under the blow. Having long since learned that apologizing fornearly killing his bride-to-be was unnecessary, Jacob only blinked, satthe poker down, and adjusted his glasses. "What?"Straightening back up, Cordelia smoothed out her tunic. "Phyllis, the wedding planner. He wants me to wear white," She frowned."Well, it is traditional..." Jacob began."Please. I haven't been able to wear white since I was twelve," Cordelia grumbled."You... what?!" Jacob snapped, nearly jumping out of his suit."Hm?" Cordelia shrugged. "My father wanted to start me young, and...""Wh-WHAT?!""Oh, come off it," Cordelia snorted. "Don't act so innocent. How old were you when you killed your first?""Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no," Jacob explained, reachingforward to delicately grasp Cordelia's shoulders. "Wearing white atyour wedding doesn't signify having not killed someone..."Cordelia blinked with sincere curiousity. "What, then?"Leaning forward, Jacob whispered in her ear. Cordelia's expression shifted from perplexion to amusement."Oh, well, in that case, I can wear white," She admitted, before adding with an impish smile: "Technically, anyway.""Excellent! Then we'll- wait, what? Technically?!"Before Jacob could ask any more questions, Cordelia danced out of hisgrip and kissed him on the cheek. "See you soon! And you look greatin that suit, by the way!" She winked and dived out the window,clamboring along the rocky exterior of the church's side like a cat toa tree."Technically?!" Jacob repeated.
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"Name, please."LORD BRIMSNOUT, LORD OF ANGUISH AND PAIN, MASTER OF THE REALM OF SHRIEKING FLESH, RULER OF-"Brimsnout, right, got it." Bartleby - the balding desk-clerk - quickly scribbled away on his check-list.AND WIFE."Hi! We're here for our daughter's wedding," Sarah stepped forward,looping her arm through the massive bulk of Brimsnout's wool-wrappedbicep. The lovely woman looked like an ornament besides the toweringdemon who rose 8 feet in the air, his cable-like muscle wrapped in anexpensive tux. A paper-bag had been placed atop of Brimsnout's head,with two dark holes poked out for the eyes and a set of monsterousbull-horns piercing either side."I... see," Bartleby began, staring at the paper-bag atop of Brimsnout's head. "...Weapon check, please."Brimsnout reached behind him with his free arm, unlatching the clubthat had been strapped there. It was a savage looking length of wood -peppered with chunks of sharp, nasty looking iron, and covered withdozens of ancient stains.THIS CLUB HAS SLAKED ITS RAVENOUS THIRST UPON THE BLOOD OF COUNTLESSCELESTIALS AND CRUSHED THE RIGHTEOUS SKULLS OF A THOUSAND PALADINS. ITWAS FORGED FROM A SCREAMING TREE OF MAGGOTS UPON THE SIX HUNDREDTH ANDSIXTY-SIXTH LEVEL OF THE ABYSS, WHERE-"I'll keep it right here under the counter," Bartleby smiled, struggling to heft up the chunk of wood.THANK YOU.----
Phyllis Muckspeckle was a tad busy.Not only was the bauriar only now discovering that thepriest he had hired for the occasion was so drunk he couldn't tellwedding vows from a Baatezu exorcism rite - but the guests were insane,the bride was AWOL, and the chef had barricaded himself up in thekitchen and was apparently holding the wedding cake ransom."Phyllis! Phyllis!" One of the brownies Phyllis had working for himsuddenly popped up in front of him, a tall man robed in black walkingbehind him. "I snatched us a priest!""Is he drunk?" Phyllis asked, eyeing the man critically. His face wasuncommonly pale, and there was a certain glazed blankness to his eyes..."Naw, just a little depressin'. Tell 'em yer name, berk." The browniepushed the man forward (a considerable feat, considering their sizedifference) and stepped aside."Moloch the Grave," The Bleaker moaned, as if speaking brought him considerable pain."You're hired," Phyllis snapped. "Now get him out of those black robes and put him in something festive!"----
"Name, please.""Charlie and company."Bartleby peered critically through the cloud of smog that was rapidly filling the small room. "Weapon check, please.""Boys, cough up yer irons." Emerging from the wall of cigar smoke camea pin-stripe suit so sharp it could cut steel - with a shambling corpseinside of it. One-eyed and missing a considerable portion of his cheek,Charlie's face seemed twisted in a perpetual sneer... With a fat stogiepoking out of his good side. Flanking him was a bleach-white skeletonin a tux and feathered top-hat, and a suit-wearing orc who's headlulled in a disturbing way.Together, they dropped an arsenal of hatchets, flint-locks, knives, and brass-knuckles on top of the counter."Go ahead in. Bride's side is on the left," Bartleby absently gestured.Charlie blinked with his one good eye. "How'd y'know we're with the dame?""Lucky guess," Bartleby coldly smiled.----
"What does 'technically' mean, anyway? You can't 'technically' beallowed to wear white. There's nothing 'technical' about it," Jacobquietly ranted as he paced out onto the church floor. "It's either youwear it or you don't! Technicalities don't figure in to-""Jacob?" The paladin's face turned several different surprising shades of white before he managed to recover. "Oh, hey, mom.""Are you all right?" Amelia asked."Just surprised to see you here so early. Hey, where's dad?" Suddenly, Jacob was desperately searching the crowd."Oh, he's over there, standing besides..." Amelia's voice fell away as her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Oh, oh no...""Grimsnout." Theodore growled. "What's with the bag-on-the-head? Decided to do us all a favor?"THAT'S BRIMSNOUT. AND MY CURRENT COUNTENANCE IS SO ABHORRENT THAT TOSEE IT WOULD SHATTER EVERY PATHETIC NOTION OF SANITY YOUR UNDER-EVOLVEDAPE-BRAIN DESPERATELY CLINGS TO."Whatever, Grimsnout," Theodore snarled.GRIMSNOUT IS LORD OF CARRION. I AM BRIMSNOUT, LORD OF ANGUISH AND PAIN."Oh, well isn't that special! I'm Lord of kicking your-"Theodore was cut off by a sudden yank from behind, Jacob's handcatching him by the shoulder and giving him a rough pull back. "Hey,dad, I think mom is looking for you. Why don't you go over there andtalk to her?""Eh? I'm just- Unf!" Theodore grunted as Jacob's elbow 'accidentally'found it's way into his chest. Muttering a mild curse under his breath,he tossed up a quick glower at Brimsnout. "Fine, fine. But I'm keepingmy eye on you, Mr. Grimsnout." Stalking off in the direction of hiswife, he continued to occasionally throw ugly glances Brimsnout's way."Sorry about that, Mr. Brimsnout," Jacob quickly apologized. "I mean-"IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE. HE AND I ARE ENEMIES. OUR BLOOD BOILS WITH THEDESIRE TO SEE ONE ANOTHER BROKEN, AND OUR EARS ACHE WITH THE NEED TOHEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF EACH OTHER'S WOMEN."Err, well..."YOU, TOO, JACOB, ARE MY ENEMY. IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY DAUGHTER'S DESIRETO MATE WITH YOU, I WOULD SLAKE MY THIRST FOR BLOOD UPON BOTH YOURFATHER AND THE HATED SPAWN OF HIS LOINS.Jacob smiled uneasily. This conversation wasn't going in exactly thedirection he had intended it to. He was saved at the last moment by thesudden appearance of Sarah, who took up Brimsnout's arm and flashedJacob a sweet knowing smile."Oh, hello, Jacob! It's wonderful to see you again. Could you go fetch Cordelia? We're trying to find her."Thankful for the oppurtunity to slip off, Jacob quickly nodded and moved in the first direction available to him.----
With a shapely elven girl giggling upon either arm, Draken - in acostume so scandalous it was in direct defiance of three ordinances andthe very Laws of Physics - made his entrance."Sir," Bartleby began as Draken moved past him. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave... ah, your escorts outside."The elf paused, staring down at Bartleby much like a giant may have looked upon a rather bothersome bug. "Excuse me?""No artifacts inside of the church, I'm afraid.""My good man," Draken began, his disdainful sniffaccompanied by the soft silvery laughter of his two elven escorts. "Idon't believe you fully appreciate just what you see here. Allow me toassure you that these," He reached out to tickle one of the girls'chins, causing the petite woman to lift her head up in a provocativecat-like gesture, "Are the finest in high-quality elven bitches.""I'm quite sure they are, sir, but you'll have to leave them at thecounter," Bartleby insisted, gaze stoney. Draken reluctantly sighed."Very well. Ladies, I'll be with you shortly." Draken snapped hisfinger, the swirling enchantments about the two escorts dispersing.Immediately, both girls melted down to the earth, reverting to theirnatural shape - a set of ivory figurines. Plucking them both up with aginger scoop of the hand, Draken set them in front of Bartleby. "Becareful with those - I've only rented them for the evening."Jeremiah sauntered up behind the towering elf, producing his invitation. "Jeremiah and Draken. Which side's the groom's?""Right," Bartleby pointed, silently breathing out a sigh of relief asthe two stomped off. And he thought the bride's family was weird.
