The True Story of Ao

The story began one day when Leira was visitingAzuth's home, which is also called Azuth (proving that if there's onething Azuth lacks, it's imagination). Azuth invited her over ostensiblyto talk about magic, but he really just wanted to admire her greatbeauty and hit on her. He knew, of course, that her beauty was probablyillusory, but sometimes appearances are good enough, and this was oneof those times."Did you see all the magic I have?" Azuth asked his guest, trying to appear suave. "Pretty neat, huh?""Eh," said Leira. "I've got stuff just like all this, only a million times better.""A million times, huh?" said Azuth. "And where'd a cute little lady like you get such great things?""Well," said Leira. "I am goddess of illusion magic. All illusionists pay homage to me. They give me presents.""Illusionists," said Azuth. "Well. That is impressive. Well done! Of course, all arcane spellcasters worship me." He tried to act casual and flattering, but tanked miserably. He just sounded sarcastic and bragging."You poor dear," said Leira. "Aren't you confusing yourself with Mystra?""No!" said Azuth, offended. "I'm the patron of mages! She's the patron of magic.""I actually invented magic," Leira claimed. "Originally, I mean,but after I invented illusions, the other schools seemed boring incomparison. I gave them to Mystra because I felt sorry for her.Mystra's been riding my coat-tails for a long time, poor girl.""What would you know about Mystra?" Azuth said, not bothering to try to hide his scorn anymore. "She's my friend, not yours.""Oh," said Leira. "Mystra and I go way back. I don't like to brag. She does, though. She brags about it all the time.""She wouldn't hang out with you," said Azuth. "She likes lawful neutral gods like herself. You're chaotic neutral.""Oh, dear," said Leira. "Mystra just adoresme. I think she has a little crush on me, to tell you the truth. Buteveryone does. Like Garl Glittergold. I was the one who taught him howto use illusions. I also created the gnomes, but I let him take creditfor it.""You did not!" "Oh, I did. Ask anyone.""I will!""Well. Not just anyone. Some gods might lie out of sheer jealousy.""I AM FRIENDS WITH MYSTRA NOT YOU SHE RULES THE WEAVE AND WITHOUT IT YOU'RE NOTHING!" said Azuth, completely losing it."Oh, please," said Leira. "I know gods far more powerful than her.""More powerful than Mystra? She rules the Weave! What's more powerful than the Weave?" "Oh, I met a god the other day... he was like, like you know how powerful we are compared to mortals?""I'm familiar with the general idea, yes.""I met a god who was like that, but compared to other gods. He was like the god of gods. And he said I was pretty, and better than Mystra.""He did, did he? What was the name of this 'god of gods' that I've never heard of?"Leira looked around the room, her eyes alighting on two rows ofbookshelves behind Azuth. They were alphabetized and neatly labeled:the top row said "A-O" and the bottom row said "O-Z.""His name was... Oz? No, I mean Ao. Yes, Ao, the omnipotent Ao. Hisname was definitely Ao." She nodded vigorously to emphasize how certainshe was about this."I see. And just how did you come to meet this 'Ao?'" Azuth leanedback in his chair and folded his arms; his voice was calmer, but hisface still bright red."It was... it was at the World Serpent Inn! I meet him there all the time, because he likes me and doesn't like you.""I'm a regular at the World Serpent Inn!" Azuth sputtered. "I've never seen you with any unfamiliar deities!""Well, we meet in the non-smoking section," said Leira. "Harumph," said Azuth. She had him there. He was never without hiswizard pipe; he wouldn't be wizardly without it. "Since when have you quit smoking?"Leira looked down at the cigarette she was holding, and made it looklike a lollypop. "I've been nicotine-free for years," she said."Why does your lolly smell like a dwarven restroom?"Leira gradually replaced the odor of her cigarette with that ofroses, coal smoke, and soggy beards. "That's just my perfume. 'Eau deDwarf.' It's the latest thing in... the Marketplace Eternal. AndBrightwater. You must learn to keep up with the times." "Yes, well. I wouldn't know anything about that."Azuth prided himself on his manly ignorance of such things. "Why don'tyou introduce your omnipotent god-of-gods friend to me one of thesedays?""Oh, he's shy. And he only likes me. And he's sensitive to pipesmoke. Allergic, I think.""The omnipotent god-of-gods has allergies?" Azuth tried sputtering again, but his lips were getting sore."His ways are mysterious," Leira said solemnly. Then she and Azuthmade out, because she was bored with her story and felt like beingflattered, even though Azuth was bad at it and generally loathsome.But that wasn't the end of the matter. Once Leira started telling atall tale, she couldn't resist adding to it. Soon dozens of gods wereasking her about Ao."How's Ao doing?" asked Mask. "Seen Ao lately?" asked Erevan Ilsere. "Is this Ao better in bed than me?" asked Azuth."Yes," said Leira."Doesn't this Ao think enough of you to meet your friends?" asked Loviatar, though she and Leira had never been friends."Of course he does," said Leira stiffly. "I was just saying the other day, 'Ao dear, you simply must meet my friends. They're not as good as me, of course, but you'll do whatever I tell you to because I'm so pretty.'""What did he say to that?" asked Waukeen, irony in her voice."He said 'Of course I'll meet your friends if you ask me to. You just should have asked sooner, you big silly.' Then I said 'Oh I would have, but I didn't think they were good enough to meet you. Actually, they're probably not.' And that's why he won't be meeting you."Ilsensine glowed at her malevolently. "He won't be meeting us because he doesn't exist," the brain-god thought loudly enough for everyone to hear. It waved its tentacles around in a meaningful manner."Well of course he exists. You big, green, silly disembodied tentacled brain, you.""Prove it," said Inthracis, the second most powerful of the yugoloth rulers (known in other cosmologies as Anthraxus). Vhaeraun slapped the yugoloth upside his head. "Did I tell you you could speak?" "Sorry, sir," said Inthracis, straightening his butler's suit. "Geez, Inthracis," whispered Asmodeus, who was dressed as a French maid. "What were you thinking?""I dunno," said Inthracis. "I feel stupid.""You're going to ruin it for all of us!" said Asmodeus. "The godswill never let us wait on them and give them foot massages if you keepspeaking without permission!""I'm sorry," said Inthracis. "I know how you love to give gods foot massages.""Sometimes they let me kiss their toes," said Asmodeus, in rapture at the wonderful memory. "I hate this cosmology," growled one of Demogorgon's heads. Theother one shushed its twin with such vigor that it nearly lost hisbellboy cap."I dryyy the broken hyena!" screamed Ygorl, eating a lamp. Ygorldid its I-just-ate-a-lamp dance. Ssendam made a little sniffing sound,as if to say I've eaten many lamps better than that, yes, many a lamp, yes they've put fillings in my radios... not the padded walls again...Eventually Leira was persuaded that maybe Ao hadagreed to meet with the other gods, but only because he couldn't bearto think that someone might call his beloved Leira a liar. "He said he'd be at Cynosure," said Leira. "But you'll probably all be busy that day.""What day?" asked Torm."What days do you have free?" asked Leira."Oh, um. Hm. Next week looks pretty bad," said Torm."How about next Tuesday?" asked Leira."I'm all booked up next Tuesday," said Torm."Oh," said Leira, looking heartbroken. "That's too bad, since Ao said Tuesday was the only day he could make it.""I'm free next Tuesday," offered Helm."I, too, will be free on that day," said Moradin, talking like a monk for some reason."Me too," Inthracis started to say, but Asmodeus kicked him."Yarr! I'll hoist me mainsails at that port on that fine day!" said Labelas Enoreth, talking like a pirate."Well, then," said Leira, swallowing. "Tuesday it is.""Shouldn't you run this by Ao?" asked Mystra. "He already told me!" said Leira. "Just now. With his powers.""Why doesn't he communicate with us right now?" Mystra asked reasonably. "With these powers?""I've got to go," said Leira. "Important things to do. Illusion stuff, you know. They don't cast themselves.""Actually..." began Mystra, but Leira had already disappeared.The following Tuesday, virtually all the gods assembled in Cynosure,eager to see how Leira would lie her way out of this one. Even Torm wasthere, his appointment guarding things having fallen through since thegods he had had the appointment with had cancelled, eager as they wereto see Leira's show.A large curtain had been set up. The assembled gods stared at it for a while. A gigantic glowing head appeared. It sputtered out. "Sorry!" cameLeira's voice from behind the curtain. "False alarm! And I'm not here!"The gods stared at the curtain for another minute or so. The head reappeared."I am Ao!" boomed the head. "The great and powerful! How dare you measly godlings disturb my slumber?" Tempus raised his hand. "Ooh!" he yelled. "Pick me!""Yes?" asked Ao's head. "Tempus? Do you have a question?""Yes," said Tempus. He solemnly stood up. "What's this businessabout your slumber?" he asked carefully, as if reading from a cuecard(which he was: the card in question was being held by Azuth). "Ithought you planned this in advance.""Yes," said Ao. "Well, I was catching a nap backstage.""Do you live here?" asked Gruumsh, not bothering to raise his hand. "Don't you have a home?""Are you a bum?" asked Bane."I am not a bum!" shouted Ao. "I am Ao, the Great and...""Powerful," sighed Jergal. "We know.""Do you doubt me?" asked Ao. "Behold! I will destroy Amauntor!Retroactively! Thousands of years ago!" He wiggled his nose todemonstrate that his Powers were at work."Amauntor died from lack of worshippers," said Anubis. "And he wasreborn as that guy." The Guardian of the Dead Gods gestured vaguelytoward Lathander."Yeah," said Lathander."Such are my powers!" said Ao. "Any of you could be next!" "Ooh!" said Tempus. "Ooh!" He was raising his hand again."Yes, Tempus," said Ao, sounding bored."Where is Leira?" Tempus asked, reading from Azuth's next card. "Wewould like to look at her bosom." Tempus giggled. "Bosom," he repeatedhappily."Leira had important things to do," said Ao. "Behind this curtain. Pay no attention to the goddess behind the curtain!"Tempus raised his hand again."Yes, Tempus," said Ao, before the god of war could begin to "Ooh!" "I am going to read this aloud," said Tempus. "Because I am adimwit who will read anything Azuth tells me to. The End." He sat down."Hee hee," said Azuth."Hee hee," said Ao.Tempus' brow began to lower. "Wait a minute...""And now I must go," said Ao. "I have important... god of godsthings to do. But beware, lest I erase one of you from history! Likethat god over there!""Which god?" asked Maanzecorian, whose back Orcus had graced with a sign reading KICK ME."That one! The one with the orange hat! Behind Siamorphe!""There's no god there..." said Maanzecorian, absently rubbing one of his tusks."Exactly! Fear my power! Leira is the prettiest!" Ao disappeared in a puff of purple smoke and a clap of thunder.Somewhere in the higher spheres beyond the Outer Planes, in a levelof existence known perhaps as the Great Unknown, or the Source, orBeyond, two beings of pure energy conferred with one another. “Do you remember hiring an overgod named ‘Ao?’” asked one. “In a sphere called Toril?”“Um,” said the other. “Maybe.”“Don’t you write these things down?”“Nah. I just sorta wing it.”“Can’t you check to see if he has overgod powers or not?”“Just a sec. Okay. Uh, no.”“Does this Toril even have an overgod?”“Maybe. I thought it did. Perhaps we’ve misplaced it.”“You can misplace an uberdeity?”“It’s been known to happen.”“What happens then?”“We usually hire a new one.”“Could this ‘Ao’ be the new one we’ve hired?”“It’s very possible. I don’t know. I’m old, dammit.”“Is it possible we were supposed to invest him with powers and forgot?”“Cripes. I guess.”“Well, could we get in trouble for this?”“We could, yes.”“Better safe than sorry, then.”“Yep. Good point, good point.” The older energy being nodded seriously at the younger one until it fell asleep.So it was that Leira gained the powers of an overgod. For a time sheran amuck, casting the other gods from the Outer Planes for bogusreasons (“Where are those tablets I told you to watch?” “Uh, you’venever mentioned any…” “Silence! You’re all fired!”), promoting randommortals to divinity (“Everyone fear the Dark Lord Cecil! Er, Cyril. Imean Cyric.”), going on and on about how wonderful Leira was, andgenerally making a nuisance of herself.All good things, unfortunately, come to an end. It becameincreasingly difficult for her to use the ugly Ao face she had inventedwhen she loved her pretty Leira face so much more. She thought maybeshe could pretend Ao had died and that she, Leira, had inherited hispowers, but that seemed too close to the truth. And it felt too much like losing to put away her Ao lie so soon. She wasn’t donewith him yet. It occurred to her that she could do the exact oppositeinstead, make the scenario she didn’t like as true as she could, andfinally make a lie out of what had really happened. Or something likethat. Her head spun with the giddy complexity of her deception.She had her merely divine body killed retroactively, during theAvatar Crisis she had engineered not long before. In her exalted,disembodied state she mentally checked “killed a god retroactively” offof her list of things that were formally lies and were now true. Shegave her old portfolio to the Cecil the Mad (or whatever his name was).Now she could use her Goddess of Illusion powers all she wanted, and itwouldn’t be true. She giggled happily to herself.There was a knock at her door. What could it be now?“Hello?” asked the Krynnish Highfather. “Is Ao home?”“Oh,” said Leira. “Hello. I‘m his… sister. My name is Loviatar… I mean Mystra. Yes, that‘s definitely my name.”“Hi. I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood, and… golly, you’re pretty.”“Thank you,” said Leira.“Would you like to come to my place sometime? In the Beyond. I’ve got a lot of magic and stuff. It’s pretty neat.”“Is it, dear? That’s wonderful. Of course, the stuff in my house is ever so much better. Like, a million times better.”“A million times, huh?” said the Highgod. “That’s a lot. How’d you get such nifty stuff?”“Oh,” said Leira. “I know an overgod. He’s like, the overgod ofovergods. Of overgods. He gives me presents. And he’s better than you.”“That’s terrific,” said the Highgod, staring at her bosom.